Assalamualaikum,
It's April already and I have going through a rough month on March. Alhamdulillah for I got over it. To those who involved with my stupid-or-not case, May Allah grant all of you a place in Jannah. I am glad to have you all around me when I was in my weakest moment especially my family. No words could have describe how I totally felt, no words I could describe how appreciate I am but my prayers are always be with you.
I've realised so many things about a week or two weeks ago. I was in my very dramatic moment of my life. I didn't have anyone I could talk to, no friends. I assume they have many better things to do than just to listen to what I was going to say. I was in a stage where I was shocked, was alone and confused. I couldn't think of anyone who could help my situation except for one. I thought I could depend on a friend of mine who I've been trusted for almost 6 years. But, no. It's not that I couldn't depend on him but it's because he didn't understand my situation. As a matter of fact, he disrespects me.
I was blind. Blinded by stupid love, blinded by trending news, blinded by haram things. I thought if I loved someone, I should protect them and care for them. I did that, but in a very wrong way. I realised I only care and protect them here in Dunia. The way I love people only shown in this Dunia, not hereafter. To the ones I love, I would find and protecting them in the hereafter. Because, this world doesn't last forever. This world is belongs to Allah, and so is our soul. It's hard to believe this but when you seek of knowledge and find yourself understandable, you will soon find out that the feeling you have towards someone is just temporary, includes your family.
The love feeling you felt for your family is a temporary feeling. I believe Allah doesn't want us to love someone too much because when He takes one's soul, you cry yourself out until you are blind. And when you cry, you question Him, "Why must one die? Why must one die before me?" Just as a reminder, who are we to question Him that? We don't control people, we could only control ourselves. After you question Him, you won't get any replies. Allah would never speaks to you here, and He would never tell you things He has to say. This world is for us to explore and for us to seek more knowledge because knowledge won't come to us that easy. The one who seeks for it desperately, deserves it. In the end, you are sad that you would never want to make Ibadat for Allah. You prefer to hate Him, disobey Him. Don't. We should never feel this way. I believe the real love is towards Him. So, if you think you love someone too much now, you need to realised that you have to love Allah more than anyone. May Allah grant us all more understanding.
Right now, I'm in the stage where I want to be a better person. Not to please anyone but to please Allah. I have realised I should fix myself, my akhlak, my relationship with Allah than I shall be thinking of some other things. Please give me a respect of what I believe and what I've decided to do. I received a lot of negative comments about me trying to change myself, please don't. Either you have something nice to say or don't say anything at all. My love towards anyone is full of sincerity. I've never hoped for them to loved me back. Just for you to know, I am always negative and think that I have never done anything good. If I were anyone, I wouldn't love myself to. And this is wrong, we have to get to know and love ourselves. Then, only we can get to know someone else. Agree?
I have a friend who disagrees with my decision. He who disrespects me, must read this. But then, disagree wasn't the worst thing I could experienced in my entire 5-years-friendship. Instead, he wanted to vanish me and delete all of our memories together were the worst. He had his intention on vanish me in his life and I could not lie but to feel upset.
For weeks, I've prayed, crying on my mom's shoulder, complained to his mother. Also, call up his family members. Foremost, I've prayed hard and complained to Allah and Alhamdulillah, He listens. Last night, he texted me after weeks of trying to vanish me. He felt sorry and asked for my forgiveness. Alhamdulillah, I feel at ease to know we both are doing good now. Though I actually felt a bit awkward inside, but I guess this takes time. I also believe that it is better to feel awkward than to lose him. I believe to break a friendship down is unforgiven. May Allah protects us all from making any bad decisions.
Have a good day, begins with Bismillah and ends with Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless us all.
